The Most Important Conflict Resolution Tips I Learned From Being an RA

You probably remember RAs, or resident assistants, from your college days. RAs are responsible for many things, but one of the most important things I learned as an RA was how to mediate conflicts. Here are some tricks anyone can use.

When I was an RA, I often mediated meetings between roommates to go over everyone's expectations of what life would be like for the coming year. I also had to help resolve conflicts between roommates, from differences in sleep schedules to someone whose mom basically moved in. You can use these tips to also deal with roommates—or any other situation where there are differences to resolve.

Know What You Want to Talk About

This may seem like a pretty basic step, but it's crucial if you want the talk to go smoothly. Prepare for the discussion by thinking about what, exactly, you want to talk about, what's important to you, and areas where you're willing to compromise. By doing this beforehand, you allow yourself to think about it with less conflict from emotional response.

If possible, ask the other people involved to do the same. This way, everyone can make sure their concerns are addressed. You can make an agenda or opt for something less formal. Either way, write down what will be discussed so everything gets covered.

Bring in a Neutral Party

Try to find a third party to help with the mediation. Ideally, this person will know both you and the others involved on an equal level. If that isn't possible, ask someone who you trust to be impartial to help out.

If you can't think of anyone, try a professional. Use services like Mediate.com, which offers search nationwide for professional mediators, or search on the Better Business Bureau's site. Depending on your needs, you may even want to use a therapist or colleague.

If you are the neutral party being asked to step in, than evaluate if you really can be fair before you commit. For example, when I was an RA, we had to ask another RA to mediate our roommate agreements, rather than do it ourselves. This helped make everyone feel like they were being heard and had an equal chance to give input into our living situation.

Create a Safe Space

When the mediation takes place, remember to create a space that feels safe to all involved. This will help make everyone feel comfortable so they can speak openly. Position yourself below the other person so they don't feel towered over. This might mean sitting on the floor if they're sitting in a chair, or sitting in a chair if they're standing. Just allow them to feel safe and in control of their surroundings.

Also, pay attention to your body language and tone. How you say something—or the way you act while saying it— can often have a larger effect than what you're saying. Sometimes situations involving meditation can become emotionally wrought. Whether you're the mediator or simply involved in the conversation, try your best to stay calm.

Be Engaged

Show the other people that you're engaged by utilizing active listening techniques. This includes non-verbal clues such as eye contact and a nod of your head when you agree with something they say. Try to summarize what they say and repeat it back to them. All of these actions combined together makes them feel respected and allows you to make sure you understand what they're saying.

If the conversation starts to wander, bring it back to the topics on the agenda items you've already discussed. Then move on to the next item.

Have someone, ideally the mediator, write down the details of what you agree upon. Use this documentation to refer to later on so that everyone is clear what the results of the mediation were. Make sure everyone involved has a copy for easy reference.

Follow Up

If you're the mediator, circle back with each participant to see how they feel about the results of the discussion. John Ford at Mediate.com explains why this is important:

Agreeing to change behavior is one thing. Actually changing it is another. It also signals an opportunity. Fine tuning an agreement or making adjustments based on lived experience is not a sign of failure but of maturity. By following up you are creating an opportunity for the participants to trouble shoot and consolidate lessons.

After you do follow up, you can then decide if more mediation sessions are needed.

Images from Lorelyn Medina, Leslie Richards, wellspringschool, zenjazzygeek, Eugene Kim, and shaneglobal.

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