Use Your Kid to Get Out of a Conversation

Photo: Colby Villa (Shutterstock)

Evil WeekEvil WeekWelcome to Evil Week, our annual dive into all the slightly sketchy hacks we'd usually refrain from recommending. Want to weasel your way into free drinks, play elaborate mind games, or, er, launder some money? We've got all the info you need to be successfully unsavory.

Children—especially the young variety—tend to be inconvenient in most situations. I’m not blaming them for this, I’m just saying that a person doesn’t realize how easy it is to do something as basic as, like, walk out the front door until they have small children to drag along with them. Everything is harder and slower and more full of stuff when kids are involved.

However, they can be useful, as well. Last year, during Evil Week, I suggested several ways you can use your children as excuses to get out of things you don’t want to do. This year, let’s talk about how our children can help us exit boring, annoying, stressful or otherwise undesirable (read: political) conversations. If you have small children around when you’re feeling stuck, they can rescue you with this idea, courtesy of Jennifer in the Offspring Facebook group:

Anytime I want to leave a conversation, I stand in front of my kid, then turn around and pretend to listen intently, then quickly ask where a bathroom is. Then hurry off.

Maybe you don’t find yourself in too many situations at the moment where you’re stuck talking for too long with random people and/or have any desire to be in a situation in which you would need to utilize a public restroom. That’s okay! Those days will (I think) be back at some point. In the meantime, you can use your kids to get out of all those phone calls and video chats you’ve got going.

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You simply let out a little “Oh, hang on a second,” and pause for dramatic effect, cocking your ear to one side if your camera is on. Then, quickly say, “Uh-oh, I hear Jimmy crying, I have to run!” Follow up later with a text that says all is well, Jimmy fell but he was really more scared than hurt, and then you got pulled into other things, but hey, it was great to catch up!

Actually, this isn’t really evil because it’s a widely known fact that above all else, kids love to be helpful.

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