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This post is part of our “Big Talks” series—a guide to helping parents navigate the most important conversations they’ll have with their kids. Read more here.
Sex is perhaps the biggest of all the parenting “talks” we need to have with our kids. Certainly we’d much rather they learn about sex from us than from friends, the internet, or pop culture. And the best way to do it—and get over our own awkwardness about it—is to introduce the language and concepts early and build on them over the years in age-appropriate ways. Gone are the days of The Talk; now we’re in the era of micro-talks.
From the moment they’re toddling around and we’re teaching them the anatomically correct terms for body parts, to when they’re teenagers who need to be well-versed in consent and sexual violence, we can build upon their knowledge without overwhelming them. Here’s how to talk about sex with kids of any age.
How to talk to babies and toddlers about sex
OK, you’re not talking to babies and toddlers about sex, per se. But even before they’re verbal, you should be talking to them about their bodies using anatomically correct words like penis, vulva, vagina, and nipples, the same way you use words like leg, arm, hand, and foot. This is language they need to have if they are to communicate with you or a doctor about health issues or injuries, and they’ll have the words to describe any sexually inappropriate act they may experience at some point.
Nadine Thornhill, a Toronto-based sex educator, tells Today’s Parent that parents of kids this age should also avoid connecting sexual biology to gender:
For example, drop the idea that all boys have penises and all girls have vaginas. Instead say, “People with penises” or “People with vaginas.” Thornhill explains that by watching your language now, you set the groundwork for easier conversations about gender roles and identities later.
How to talk to preschoolers about sex
Building upon that early language, the ages of 2-5 are prime time for laying the foundation for kids to understand physical boundaries and consent. You shouldn’t force your child to hug (or otherwise show physical affection for) anyone—not even Great Aunt Margaret, who is pretty insistent about getting that goodbye kiss. It’s important to establish that they are in control of their own body. As we’ve previously written:
It lays the groundwork for a strong understanding of consent, and can influence a kid’s relationship with her body—by telling her that she’s in control of who she hugs, you’re also telling her that her body is hers, not for serving other people’s feelings.
Parents should also be teaching their kids to ask for permission before touching someone else. One easy way to do this is by modeling it yourself, such as by asking for permission before tickling them—and stopping as soon as they say to stop. And at this age, we should also be explaining that no one should ever ask to or try to touch their genitals. (Here’s a guide for teaching kids the difference between secrets, privacy, and surprises.)
This is also the age to start teaching them about personal privacy. It’s normal for a toddler to touch their own genitals, but you can gently explain that while it’s perfectly OK to explore their own body, it should be done in the privacy of their bedroom or a bathroom. Explain when it’s appropriate to be naked (in the bathtub, or during a doctor’s exam with a parent present), and when it’s not.
Finally, at this age, kids might ask where babies from for the first time. Here’s what Cory Silverberg, a sex educator and author of What Makes a Baby, tells Today’s Parent:
“The amount of detail one goes into really depends on how much you think your child can comprehend.” If your child wants more information, you might try something like, “Two grown-ups get their bodies together and share the sperm and the egg to make a child like you, or sometimes they get the sperm or egg from someone else.” Silverberg adds that it’s fine to tell your child that some details, like how sperm and egg meet, will be discussed later. “It’s just important not to lie.” He adds that it’s important to actually follow up with those questions and not just refuse to talk about certain things.
Read these books from Cory Silverberg:
How to talk to kids ages 6-8 about sex
At this age, you should continue to build upon those early conversations about consent, privacy, and sexual abuse. The Committee for Children has a “Hot Chocolate Talk” campaign that includes a conversation-starter guide for talking to kids ages 6-8 about sexual abuse, which is a great place to start. In addition, you’ll want to start talking about online safety (here’s a guide for that) to establish the rules early on about talking to strangers online, and about sharing photos and personal information. This will protect them as they get older and begin have more unsupervised time in digital spaces.
If you haven’t yet, it’s probably also time to explain the actual mechanics of sex. In Today’s Parents, Silverberg suggests incorporating a good book that will help anticipate your child’s questions; sex education expert and author Shafia Zaloom has compiled this list of her favorites for Common Sense Media. It’s also helpful to look for everyday moments you can use to jumpstart these conversations, such as when a friend or family member announces a pregnancy. You can ask your child what they know about how babies are made and answer any questions they have in a straightforward and age-appropriate way.
Talking about sex can be a natural segue to talking about puberty, too—especially if you start to see signs that it’s approaching early or if they’ve got friends who are beginning to experience it. (Some girls start puberty as early as 8 years old, and some boys start as early as 9, according to KidsHealth, so you may need to begin having these conversations earlier than you think.) Parents should make sure to talk with girls about menstruation before they start their period so they won’t be scared by the sight and location of the blood when it begins.
Parents should also keep in mind that while kids will get some sex education in school, boys and girls are often taught separately, with the conversation geared toward what they’ll experience. It’s important to make sure we’re filling in the gaps so girls understand the changes boys are going through, and vice versa.
How to talk to tweens about sex
If you haven’t talked to tweens about puberty yet, it’s time to start. Books are helpful here, too: American Girl’s The Care & Keeping of You covers topics like bras, periods, and hair care, and Guy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys gives tips and facts from pediatrician Cara Natterson on topics including voice changes, bad breath, shaving, and acne.
At this age, tweens should have a fairly clear understanding of what sex is and that it can lead to pregnancy or STDs. It’s important to explain the risks of having sex and have conversations about how to make safer choices. Planned Parenthood recommends thinking through these things before you begin:
Before you talk, think about your values and what you want for your kids: when do you believe it’s okay for them to do sexual things, like kissing and touching? How much further into the future will you think it’s ok for them to think about having sex? What milestones will you want them to reach before having sex (be in a loving relationship, be prepared with birth control and condoms, be in a certain grade or out of school, etc.)? Knowing exactly where you stand helps you send clear messages during these conversations.
It’s important to make sure preteens know that masturbation is completely normal and OK (as long as they do it in private). Don’t say anything that might make them feel shame or guilt about masturbating. If you’re not already knocking before you enter their bedroom, this is the time to start. And if you do walk in on them masturbating, Planned Parenthood suggests simply saying, “Sorry, I should have knocked,” and then tell them later that you’ll be more careful about their privacy in the future.
At this age, you should also start talking about sexism and sexualization—examples of those abound in media and within your own community once you really start looking for them. As we’ve previously written:
As kids grow up, we should empower boys and girls alike to look for instances of sexism and gender discrimination—and speak up when they see them. And both boys and girls should be encouraged to actively support women’s equality. Bonding with your daughter by, say, attending a women’s march is great—but it’s even better to bring her dad and her brother along, too.
And finally, yes, it may seem young, but you need to talk to them about not sharing nude or sexually explicit photos of themselves and you need to talk to them about porn. As we’ve covered, most kids stumble upon porn online during these years, and you want them to know what it is before that happens. Much like actors play characters on their favorite TV shows, explain that people who have sex on camera are acting. What they’re seeing isn’t sex between couples who love or care for each other, and it’s not typical of a loving, committed relationship.
Two of the best books for tweens about puberty:
How to talk to teenagers about sex
By the time kids reach their teenage years, we’re coming back around to where we began all those years ago: This is the time to really focus on the consent component of sex. As we’ve previously written:
Outline what “affirmative consent” looks like—remember, the mantra is no longer “no means no” but “yes means yes.” Tell your teens they should be looking for enthusiasm in a partner, and nothing less. Use TV shows and movies as conversation starters—today, ‘80s films like Sixteen Candles can feel icky and outdated, but they can also be a launching pad for deeper discussions about topics such as the myth of the “hard to get” woman, the role of alcohol, and how bystanders enable bad behavior.
It’s also important for teenagers to have “sexual competence.” The goal is that by the time they have sex for the first time, we’ve done all we can as parents to help them really feel ready, in terms of protection, consent, safety, and timing. You should also have conversations with them about sexual violence, including about the importance of bystander intervention and what to do if they see someone at risk.
from Lifehacker https://ift.tt/ZLQ96fc
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