How to (Safely) Engage in Wax Play

Mostly associated with BDSM, wax play involves melted wax as a sensual or sensation-focused type of play that involves dripping melted wax onto each other—or it can be done more sensually, with a massage candle. As for why folks engage in wax play, according to Dr. Carol Queen, the in-house sexologist at Good Vibes, the reasons vary whether couples are interested in exploring kink, temperature play, or craving something a little sensual.

"Hot wax play can be a kink—something that is extra-arousing to participants because of the feel or even the idea of it," she says. "The sensation can be shocking, especially when combined with blindfolding, so depending on how hot the wax is, it can be a form of sadism/masochism, or pain play. Even if the wax is not that hot and doesn't have any pain component, it still can have lots of power play elements (again, especially if there is blindfolding). Emotional or mental responses can include fear and anticipation, both of which can be highly erotic for some people."

What happens during wax play

In both types of play—whether you're going for sensation-based or sensual—one partner drips melted wax onto the other. The difference, says Queen, between the two kinds of wax play involves (at least in part) the type of wax used.

"In sensation-based wax play, the wax will be hotter, giving a stinging or mild burning sensation—candle wax will be used for this," she explains. "For sensual play, a massage candle is used. These are made of a wax (often soy oil-based) with a much lower melting point than paraffin or other candle materials, meaning that when it melts it is not as hot, and you get warm massage oil instead of drops of wax that harden on the skin. From there, massage and other kinds of erotic play are the logical (and delightful) next steps, though I would not recommend the oil from massage candles as internal lubricant for insertion play. If so used, definitely get a candle that's unscented. These candles aren't made for this purpose and using scent in a lubricant just isn't a good idea." 

In sensation-based play, where a top is dripping wax onto a bottom, Queen says this could have a "service top" energy to your experience "because the bottom loves it and wants to do it, or it could have 'sexy threat' energy (still consensual and negotiated, mind you!) with lots of dirty talk that emphasizes fear (consensual fear!) and helpless anticipation," she says. "Again, blindfolding can ramp up that energy, as can bondage."

Another scenario involves the top dripping the wax from some height—often a couple of feet up—which lets the hot wax cool a little bit before it hits the body. "It's being dripped on naked skin, since wax is no fun to remove from bedding, lingerie, or hair, etc.," Queen explains. "On the skin it will harden, and another level of the play can involve how it feels to peel or scrape it off." 

How to do wax play safely

Queen recommends negotiating the rules ahead of time with your partner and making sure you have a safe word. Also, since the candles (in either type of play, kinky or massage-focused) will involve lighting a candle and moving it around, you want to do this in a place where you won't risk a fire. It's wise to make sure there is a stable place to set the candle when you are not holding it, and that you ensure the flame is completely out when you're done.

"This level of mindfulness suggests that a certain level of sobriety is a good idea for this kind of play," Queen adds. "Also, watch out not to drip from too high, lest the wax splash and hit places you didn't intend. Additionally, keep the wax away from any mucous membranes, keep it outside of the body, and avoid eyes and hair. Make sure to keep the candle away from any flammable materials."

How to prepare for wax play

Because you are dealing with fire, hot wax, and skin, Queen says it's important to prepare your area, and body, ahead of time. Some simple recommendations include making sure the candle is stable when it's not in hand, that your matches or your lighter works, and that there's water nearby in case the lit wick gets a little unruly. It's also a good idea, says Queen, to protect sheets or furniture in the event the wax splashes off.

"It's also great to know if the bottom has particularly sensitive skin, which might impact the kind of wax you choose," she says. "Test the wax drop on the bottom first to make sure it isn't a material that will irritate them."  

For easy removal, Queen recommends using a scraping device (such as a plastic card) to scrape the wax off their body when done, spank it off with a flogger, comb it, use ice and water, scratch it off with nails, or use natural oils to massage into the skin and hydrate the skin while removing the wax.

Another thing to consider before engaging in wax play is deciding whether the bottom has body hair where you're planning to play. "It's recommended that you do wax play over smooth skin—but some folks are furry," she says. "Maybe they'll want to shave to do wax play, and maybe they won't." 

In any case, she suggests the bottom lightly oil up with something neutral like unscented massage oil, shea butter or silicone lubricant. "But note: Many oils can ignite when exposed to open flame, so it's going to be extremely important for the top to have control of their candle," Queen says. "And if the candle doesn't burn smoothly (spitting, pieces of wick falling off), don't use it."

What type of wax to use

"When I learned my wax play knowledge back in the day, the given info was that the safest wax play candles were plain white unscented plumber's candles with a cotton wick," Queen says. "White paraffin candles can be found as tapers, in glass (like altar candles), or as tea lights. Altar candles are contained in a glass jar so they're easy to handle, but you'll want to watch out for the glass element. Tea lights are easy to use too, until the metal casing they come in gets uncomfortably hot. They can be a challenge to keep hold of. If you use those, or tapers, make sure you have set up a safe place to set them down. This type is strongly recommended if you don't have a sense of how sensitive your bottom's skin might be." 

When it comes to beeswax, or scented or colored candles, Queen says that these can all burn hotter. "You won't necessarily know what color and scent additives are in your candle, so at the bare minimum, test them first if you are going to use a candle like this."

How to make wax play sexy

So you're in the bedroom with the candle. How do you make wax play feel sexy rather than strange, especially if it's your first time? Queen suggests doing the following:

• Use a blindfold

• Add in bondage gear, if you roll that way.

• Erotic talk

• Taking the wax off is sensation play too: Keep the scene rolling while that happens.

• Make it part of temperature play in general and have a small bowl with a few ice cubes on hand. You can do cool, then hot, then cool.  

• Wax play often sensitizes the skin and simple touch will feel different, so that is also something erotic to explore.

Don't forget aftercare

As with any play that can involve intense sensation or fear, Queen says it's key to come back to reality together and lose your power-exchange roles when it's appropriate.

"The top should see what the bottom might need, whether it's to hydrate, a few bites of protein, a bath, [or] a cuddle," she says.

When it comes to the wax play, specifically, Queen says you want to make sure the bottom's skin is doing well and "they don't need burn or pain relief cream. Make sure all the wax is off. Once the wax is off, maybe get in the shower together and remove all the residue."

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