The Dos and Don'ts of Public Foreplay

When we talk about sex, some of the most widely-used euphemisms point to how private the act usually is. We refer to what we do “behind closed doors” or “in the bedroom.” Naturally, then, the thought of taking the show on the road is taboo and sexy. Public play is a pretty common fantasy because it feels a little risky (and sometimes is). You can bring it to life without going all the way to Pound Town by engaging in public foreplay—but there’s a respectful and safe way to do it.

Getting frisky in public: How common is the fantasy?

It’s hard to know exactly how common the sex-in-public fantasy really is, but 2018 research suggests that novelty and adventure are elements of the third most common fantasy genre for Americans, right behind threesomes and BDSM. For what it’s worth, while working on this article, every time I tried to Google for information, I mostly got links to porn, where there are tons of staged upskirt videos of women on buses and clips of performers banging while seemingly unsuspecting friends and family are mere feet away.

Because we live in a capitalist society, we can gauge the popularity of this fantasy in a more money-minded way. If people didn’t want to take their play out into the real world, we wouldn’t be able to buy wearable toys designed to be tucked discreetly into our undies and controlled by an app on a partner’s phone, would we?

Ways to engage in public foreplay

Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter how common the fantasy is. You’re here looking for information, so it’s important to at least one person and that’s what counts. The issue with fantasies is they can be abstract or too complicated. There are easy ways to implement public foreplay into your sex life without orchestrating overly complex scenarios.

I spoke to Amanda, aka “The Kink Consultant,” a sex and relationship coach, about ways you and your partner can pull this off on your next night out. Here are a few tips:

• First, make sure you’re at a busy restaurant or bar, as noise and general commotion will actually give you some cover.

• Try the toy or wearable vibrator in private first to get a feel for how it works and how you like it.

• Only insert it when you’re going to start playing; if you do it at the start of the night, “things could get uncomfortable if it’s being worn for too long.”

• Think outside the box: “Restrictive devices like a chastity belt or cage can add spice. Using a butt plug or nipple clamps can provide some tantalizing fun.”

Discuss the strategy with your partner before you get to your chosen site. Have a plan in place for what you’ll do if you end up not enjoying it, for instance, and set some clear guidelines for when you’ll leave to go home and really get busy. Setting up a timeline and boundaries might seem a little clinical, but it doesn’t have to zap the fun out of your adventure: “It can add a little extra spice for the controller to give the directions to the wearer,” Amanda says. If you’re handling the directing, something as simple as handing the toy over and telling them to go to the bathroom to put it on can be exciting.

You can also try a few non-toy options, like heading to the bathroom and removing your undies, then slipping them in your partner’s hand when you return to the date. Hell, gamify it by challenging each other to see who can talk the dirtiest throughout dinner. Whichever person folds and asks for the check first because they’re ready to get out of there has to pay the bill.

Respect other people when being horny on main (street)

All of this is fun and good, but it’s morally wrong to make your sexy adventure someone else’s problem, so be respectful of everyone around you at all times. The presence of strangers is kind of the whole crux of the fantasy, but they should never, ever know what you’re up to. It’s not fair to them.

“Consent is key and bystanders should never be exposed to your play,” says Amanda. “Busy and loud places allow for more anonymity—which means you’ll be able to get away with a little more without being noticed.”

If you’re using a wearable vibrator, make sure you gauge how loud it is in your at-home trial run and nix it if it’s going to be audible to people around you. If you’re planning to talk dirty at the dinner table, keep your voices low. In addition to being respectful of others, it can actually be more fun for you if you set a no-touching rule while you’re out, waiting instead until you’re somewhere more private. Amanda even suggests planning your outfit around your plans, pointing out that skirts and looser-fitting clothing can make it easier to adjust things without drawing attention. A loose top can obscure clamps and a long skirt can hide the fact that you’re going commando. Planning goes a long way, so don’t leave anything to chance.

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