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We all want our kids to be accepted, included, and make special connections with their peers. While children are still developing their social skills and learning to express emotions, they may need some adult guidance on what friendship should look and feel like.
In her upcoming book How To Talk To Kids About Anything, Dr. Robyn Silverman, a child and teen development specialist, writes about friendship, including how to recognize toxic dynamics your child may have with a friend.
When it works, friendship conveys so many benefits to kids, Silverman writes, such as:
- building self-esteem
- providing support
- reducing stress
- creating protective social power (against bullying or peer pressure)
- supporting happiness and health
The six types of toxic friendship
Unfortunately, childhood friendships can be toxic and harmful just like adult relationships. Silverman describes six types of toxic friend dynamics, how to recognize them, and how to counsel your kids to deal with them.
The Controller is bossy, rude, and gives your child ultimatums. They might say “You can’t do that” or “Give it to me or I won’t be your friend.” Silverman writes, you can help your child counter the Controller by reminding them:
- You are the boss of you.
- Good friends don’t “make” you do anything.
- You get to decide how you can be the best version of yourself.
The Flake cancels plans, leaves your child hanging, breaks promises, or excludes your child from plans. They might say, “I forgot to call you back/text/meet up” or “I didn’t get your message.” When your child is friends with a flake, remind them of these things:
- Being dependable is a crucial part of being a good friend.
- We need to be able to trust our friends.
- We all mess up once in a while, but perpetually flaking leaves us guessing and uncomfortable.
The Two-Faced Backstabber gossips and talks behind someone’s back but is nice to them in person. They might say, “Tell me what you really think of them, I won’t tell them” or “Did you hear what they were saying about you?” As a parent, you want to remind them:
- Good friends stand up for you and say kind things about you, whether you’re there or not.
- When someone is nice to a person’s face and then says mean things about that person to you, that’s a red flag.
- What they do with you, they often do to you.
The User/Taker always asks for favors, but is unavailable to help others. They dump their feelings, but aren’t a good listener, and can deplete the energy of friends. They say things like, “I need your help again,” “You have to help me,” or “Can I copy your homework?” If your child is friends with a Taker, remind them of these things:
- While friendships are not always even, one person shouldn’t be doing all the giving or taking.
- A friendship isn’t about one person.
- You shouldn’t feel like you are running on empty and never being heard.
The Hurtful Kidder makes jokes that hurt your feelings and excuses it by saying they were just kidding. They might say “You’re so sensitive,” or “Can’t you take a joke?” or “Just kidding, I didn’t mean it!” Support your child by telling them:
- A joke that makes you feel bad is not a good joke.
- While humor is fun in a friendship, kidding at the expense of others is toxic.
- When good friends know they hurt you, they apologize and change their ways right away.
The Bully-Friend laughs at your child, mocks them, calls them names, excludes them, teases, or bosses. They might say, “I’ll hang out with you after school but don’t talk to me at school”; “You’re such a crybaby, I was only joking”; “Congrats on your ‘award,’ nerd.” Tell your child:
- A person who makes you feel unsupported, undervalued, disrespected, and small is not a friend.
- You have the right to be around kindhearted people who speak and behave in ways that make you feel uplifted and important and who treat you with dignity.
Supporting kids through toxic friendship phases
Children who behave like one of these toxic friend types are not necessarily intending to be hurtful, Silverman says.
“When social skills aren’t well developed, children’s desire to be part of a group or to play with others may come out as bossiness, not picking up on other kids’ ‘stop cues’ (the joke has gone on tooooo long), monopolizing, or not allowing your child to be friends with others. Often this has nothing to do with being malicious but rather about not knowing how best to navigate friendships,” she says. “You see this a lot in elementary school and of course, into middle school, when body changes, cognitive changes, emotional changes and social changes converge and most kids feel awkward and self-conscious.”
If spending time with that friend makes them feel bad or behave in ways they don’t want to, it may be time to help your child reevaluate a friendship.
“It’s so hard to watch your child stay in a friendship that you know is toxic! Because our children are often in school, away from us, for many hours, it’s very hard to regulate who they spend their time with at lunch, during recess, and in the classroom,” Silverman says. “Unless the relationship is truly unhealthy and destructive, we can offer support, a springboard for discussion, and patience.”
She suggests asking your child what three qualities a good friend should have. Follow up by asking which friends have those qualities. Remind them that a good friend should be dependable, supportive, consistent, and cooperative.
Silverman also suggests role-playing with your child to help them practice responding to the toxic friend dynamic.
“It is also helpful for your child to see you modeling this behavior yourself with your friends and family members when someone isn’t treating you respectfully or kindly. And while it may be difficult, we need to also allow our child to speak up for themselves with you, their safe person: ‘Mom, I need some space and I don’t want to talk right now.’ ‘Dad, I don’t like when you yell at me,’” she says. “While it can be difficult to hear, if we want our children to be able to stand up for themselves and advocate for themselves, they need to start at home.”
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