The Accountable Digital Identity (ADI) Association announced that Jim Routh has joined its Board of Directors.
The ADI Association is a nonprofit organization dedicated to advancing an open framework for digital identity focused on accountability, privacy, and interoperability.
Jim Routh is an icon in the cyber security industry. In 2003, he became the first Chief Information Security Officer (CISO) in the history of American Express. Following that, he took CISO roles at Depository Trust & Clearing Corporation (DTCC), KPMG, Aetna, CVS Health, and MassMutual.
While at Aetna, he developed one of the most mature converged security programs in the private sector. Routh was also Board Chair for the Health Information Sharing & Analysis Center (H-ISAC) and Board Member for the Financial Services Information Sharing & Analysis Center (FS-ISAC). His awards include CSO Hall of Fame, ISE Luminary Award, SINET Impact Award, and BITS Leadership Award. Routh was also twice selected as Information Security Executive of the Year.
“I am honored to join the ADI Association Board,” said Jim Routh. “Advanced authentication that enables a digital consumer to be issued one accountable digital identity used for all digital services is within range, provided there are industry-wide standards for interoperability in place. I support the efforts of ADI to develop these standards.”
“Jim is a tremendous addition to the ADI Association Board,” said Ramesh Kesanupalli, Co-founder, ADI Association, and CEO, Digital Trust Networks. “He brings unparalleled depth of experience in establishing leading-edge security programs at the most security-conscious companies in the world.”
In Summer 2021, the ADI Association announced public availability of the Specification for Accountable Digital Identity (ADI). Central to the Specification are the concepts of privacy-preserving accountability and interoperability. Privacy-preserving accountability allows companies to spot fraud by combining verified identity and individual consent to validate information without compromising user privacy.
Interoperability enables companies to participate in the ADI ecosystem and adopt decentralized identity without disrupting their existing identity infrastructure. The ADI Specification embraces industry standards from multiple bodies, including Decentralized Identity Foundation (DIF), FIDO Alliance, and World Wide Web Consortium (W3C). The ADI Association is now developing the next version of the Specification.
Keepit announced the opening of its first two data centers in Canada. Keepit is partnering with Equinix to run the data centers, enabling Keepit to provide a data storage solution that follows Canadian laws and regulations for businesses operating inside and outside of Canada.
“Our superior data center strategy is what allows Keepit’s customers to instantly recover and restore lost or compromised data,” said Keepit CTO Jakob Østergaard. “Equinix data centers are recognized globally for exceptional levels of security. And since each location has full copies of user data, with two mirrored physical locations, our clients can rest assured that their data will always be available to them, regardless of their Software-as-A Service (SaaS) vendor’s status. Keepit can confidently guarantee that our infrastructure ensures all customers’ data will remain in situ, with no middleware transmissions outside regions. We are proud to be the first and only vendor that can make that claim.”
Keepit’s new data center investment aligns with the proliferation of the data Backup-as-a-Service (BaaS) and recovery sector, which has largely been fueled by the exponential uptick in data volumes that resulted from the increased adoption of connected technologies and digital transformation drives.
The opening of the data centers highlights Keepit’s commitment to providing the fastest, most secure, and most efficient service to its expanding Canadian customer base, while also demonstrating the significant growth of its global network. Additionally, it will greatly increase the company’s ability to offer seamless, low-latency data back-up and recovery services across leading platforms such as Microsoft 365, Google Workspace, and Salesforce.
Keepit’s unique infrastructure is architected around multiple separate, mirrored data centers in each region, with each center operating in active-active mode; thereby, data is continually replicated between the centers. In the event of a single system failure, or even the unlikely event of the loss of a full data center, the platform’s operations will remain unaffected and Keepit’s clients’ data will remain reachable and available to be restored.
Keepit’s existing Canadian partners, such as XenTegra, understand the importance of providing Canadian businesses with data sovereignty via local data centers, and of data being stored separately from the primary environment and independent from the SaaS vendor’s storage locations.
As a global information technology solutions advisor and reseller company focused on digital workspace technologies and cloud computing, XenTegra is enjoying good momentum in Canada:
”We are seeing an immense need for Keepit’s solution amongst our customers. Every customer we speak to about back-up immediately asks whether their data will reside within the country; this is a huge concern for Canadian entities. Keepit’s decision to invest in local, dual, mirrored, and load-balanced data centers is a welcome move to ensure continuity of data availability, along with its independent and local dedicated private cloud infrastructure. For those reasons, XenTegra is pleased to be a Keepit partner,” says Moin Khan, CTO at Xentegra.
Admit it. You might be a little (or a lot) too controlling. If you clicked on this headline, you have either a sneaking suspicion—or a profound certitude—that you are possibly (probably?) guilty of trying to control the shit out of everything you can.
You don’t like when anyone else is in charge (naturally—they are too slow and doing it wrong). Change gives you anxiety, surprises are not fun, lateness makes you irritable, and when things don’t go according to (your) plan, you are, suffice it to say, not pleased. Someone does the laundry or loads the dishwasher wrong? Hope their ears are closed because a litany of under-the-breath swear words are about to be spouted in their name. Can you relate?
Signs you might be a control freak
Chances are, you already know. But on the off chance you’ve never taken over a situation to embarrassing effect, and no one has ever implored you to stop telling them what to do, here are a few telltale signs.
You’re a perfectionist with high standards (and you don’t trust anyone else to meet them).
You want to know every detail of an activity or event: Who, what, when, where, and why.
You over-plan and get upset when things don’t go the way you envisioned them.
There’s only one right way to do something—which happens to be yours.
You get angry when other people mess up your plan, or do things differently than you would.
You prefer to be in charge. That way, there will be fewer mistakes.
You have trouble giving others free rein to do things as they see fit. Instead, you micromanage.
You’re overly-critical of yourself and others.
Why we turn into control freaks (and how it negatively affects our lives)
“Controlling behaviors often stem from anxiety and fear,” writes Sharon Martin, LCSW, for Psychology Today. “When things feel out of control, it’s natural to want to control them in order to feel safe (or happy or content).” It can come from growing up with an unpredictable parent who made the home feel scary or out of control—or it can be learned behavior from a rigid, anxious primary caregiver. It’s closely linked to perfectionism—that affliction that causes you to crave predictability, shy away from risk, hold others to exacting standards, and only try things at which you know you will succeed.
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The catch is, we actually can’t really control other people or situations—or do anything “perfectly.” (Sigh.) Striving for control “[doesn’t] ultimately make us feel better,” Martin said. “In fact, controlling behaviors usually create problems in our relationships and make us feel frustrated and stressed out.”
Any control freak who has gone through a major life change with a partner (a move, job change, or baby) knows that snapping at them (“Why are you doing it that way?”) doesn’t exactly lead to household harmony. Not only does controlling behavior contribute to emotional and physical stress, it can damage your important relationships.
How to stop being a control freak
There are a few practical tips you can follow to change your controlling mindset. Taking them to heart won’t be easy, but with time and practice they can be effective at helping you keep a lid on your worst impulses.
Challenge the fear. Ask yourself: What will happen if I don’t control this situation? Recognize that you may be “catastrophizing” or worrying about the worst possible outcome, which may be quite unlikely.
Evaluate whether your attempts to control are truly effective.Tony Robbins suggests bringing truth and self-awareness to the behavior by asking, “Are my efforts at control making a lasting difference?” If they are effective, and aren’t deleterious to your relationships, OK. You may want to continue. If not, that’s your cue to stop.
Realize perfectionism slows you down. Far from being the magic pill your subconscious mind believes it to be, perfectionism is getting in your way. Yes, everything you write may be free from typos, but how many times did you review it? (It’s usually at least six for me.) How long did you obsess over the word choice? How many times did you not start (or finish) a project, not try a new activity or take a chance on a person because you were afraid it, or they, wouldn’t “measure up”? Trying to get everything perfect is time-consuming and it limits your growth and learning experiences.
Investigate the root cause. Do you know what led you to be so controlling? If not, engage in some self-reflective work to learn why. It could be therapy, meditation, journaling about your childhood or other formative experiences—anything that will bring you closer to an understanding of the fears driving the need for control. Are the fears and conditions that drove you to learn the behavior still occurring? (Often, they’re long in the past, but the habit persists.)
Realize you’re not actually right all the time. It’s time to let go of (some of) your ego. Yes, you’re great at what you do. Your systems and attention to detail are top-notch. And—we know this is a tough pill to swallow, but—the way other people do things is also valid. Regardless of the 26 ways you may judge their method to be inferior, they have a right to do the same thing differently. (And sometimes, let’s face it, their methods are better.)
Notice the cost. When has your need for control caused you to lose something of value? (Be honest.) Reflect on the times your need for control has had a noticeable cost—in terms of lost friends, weakened relationships, missed opportunities.
Accept you can’t control everything (and choose a mantra). Acknowledge and accept there are things outside of your control (including people). Choose a mantra to recite when you’re feeling anxious and want to interject. Psychology Today suggests adopting one or more of the following: “I can only control myself. My way isn’t the only way. I will respect other people’s choices.”
Practice giving up control in one small area: Choose one small area of your life in which to give up control (and stick to it). Maybe someone else chooses the restaurant, shops for and makes dinner, or plans your next family excursion. Remind yourself throughout the process that you are a guest in the experience, and resist the temptation to comment or intercede. Practice with small things first and work your way up to larger ones.
I first discovered the joys of lying about my ability to access the internet when I went to one of those little cabin places that encourages you to unplug. They suggest that you put your phone in a lock box, and they provide a landline in case you need to call 911. Before I left, I told everybody that I didn’t expect to have internet. Having camped in a lot of out-of-the-way places, I also warned them that I might not have cell coverage at all.
As it turns out, I had at least 4G coverage the whole time. And with my unlimited data plan, that meant I could waste as much time on the internet as I wanted. But it was my vacation, so I was under no obligation to notify anyone of the change in plans. That weekend I called my husband, texted some friends, and posted a few things to Instagram. Everything else was on pause until I got back.
This hack—which I should remind you is not even a lie, just a prediction I had declined to update—helped mainly to relax my own mind. Nobody was expecting me to get in touch, therefore I had no obligation to do so, therefore I could spend an hour watching turtles in the pond. A true vacation.
But there is another use for this little white lie: setting boundaries with people who are bad with boundaries. Ask a Manager recently tweeted a comment from someone whose colleagues will sometimes join Zoom calls from vacation. “This is why, for every vacation for YEARS, I’ve told my coworkers I’m camping. ... I have never camped in my LIFE.”
Brilliant, I say. If you think you’ll get pushback for simply saying “I’m not checking email or slack” and turning your notifications off, a low-tech vacation is a good excuse. You don’t even have to pretend you have no internet; just intimate that you expect it to be flaky at best.
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I have camped in places with no internet, and it’s a mix of fun and frustrating. You have to remember to download all your maps and important info before you leave home, and then simply make peace with your inability to stay in touch. I would sometimes compose a long text message with all my updates for the day, set it to send as SMS (instead of iMessage), and then stand in the one spot where you can sometimes get a flicker of signal and wave my phone in the air and hope. If we made a run out to the nearest town for groceries, I could sometimes upload an Instagram story from the parking lot.
This is the kind of vacation you are implying you are on. If you are worried you might get caught, just practice saying things like “yeah the internet was really bad, sorry I missed that.” And enjoy your vacation in peace.
Elden Ring is a massive game. You can spend hours exploring the map, engaging with enemies, and progressing through the storyline, all without giving a second thought to your save file. After all, Steam automatically backs up your save files to the cloud. What could go wrong? Unfortunately, a lot. Save file corruption is a thing, and some Elden Ring players have lost their progress to it. If you want to prevent your game file from facing a similar fate, consider manually backing up your game file.
You don’t need to do a bunch of technical setup to get the job done, either: Just use a simple mod like Mort65's “Simple Timed Backup.” This mod makes it easy to set backup intervals for your Elden Ring game file, so you always know you have a local backup on your PC should anything go awry with Steam. Not only is it a viable system for restoring your game due to corruption, it can serve as a makeshift save state. Don’t like how the last 10 minutes of your game played out? Just restore from your local backup.
Installing the mod itself is simple, but requires a few slightly obnoxious steps to get started. You’ll find the mod at Mort65's Nexus Mods page. In order to download the mod from this site, you’ll need to create an account, which you can do by clicking REGISTER in the top-right corner of the screen. Don’t be fooled, though: Once you successfully set your username and password, the site will try to make you think you need to pay for said account. You don’t. Just click the X on this page to exit out, then return to the original mod page.
From here, you can click the “Manual” download option. You’ll see a warning here letting you know the mod requires the app “AutoHotkey” in order to run properly. If you already have that app, great! If not, download it from AutoHotkey’s official site. Once the app is on your computer, you can go grab the mod.
Once your mod is on your computer, locate it and open the “Simple Timed Backup” file. Now, choose the time interval at which you’d like the mod to save backups. By default, it makes a backup every 10 minutes, but if you feel you’ll need longer or shorter intervals, you can easily change that. You can also change the number of backups the mod will make until it starts overwriting old ones. Again, the default is 10, but you can change it to whatever you want, or choose “Unlimited” to never overwrite past backups. Once you’re happy with your settings, click “Activate” and the mod will start doing its thing.
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Alternatively, you can use this mod to take manual backups instead of timed ones. I think this works great for save states: If you know you’re heading into a tough fight and you’ll likely want to restore your game in the immediate future, choosing “Back up...” to make an instant backup is a great solution.
To restore from your backups in the future, first return to the Elden Ring title screen. Then, head back to the Simple Timed Backup app, choose “Restore,” then choose the backup you want to restore from. (Most likely, the save you want to restore from will be the most recent file here.)
Not to brag, but I go on a lot of first dates. But this point, I’m familiar with navigating all the unspoken rules of the game. Will we split the bill, or is that too platonic? Should we acknowledge the fact that I obviously stalked you before showing up tonight? To hug or not to hug?
Many of the “rules” of dating are at best circumstantial, and at worst, utter bullshit. (I’m looking at you, “the man has to ask the woman out.”) And yet, the dating wisdom of our elders needlessly persists. If you’re dating again for the first time, or you’ve been striking out lately, consider letting go of some of the following myths about dating.
“Dating apps are embarrassing.”
I’m always shocked to see dating profiles say something like “Let’s never tell anyone we met on here.” No worries, bud—we won’t be meeting at all.
We must move on from the belief that dating apps are a “last resort.” It’s akin to being embarrassed that you had to use a job search site, as opposed to being spontaneously offered a job in “the real world.” It’s unrealistic, and at the end of the day, your embarrassment is only holding you back.
Dating apps are the dominant arena for everyone playing the dating game today. Don’t stay stuck on the sidelines by acting ashamed of using an app.
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“You can’t get better at dating.”
Contrary to this misbegotten belief, dating is a skill. True, it comes more naturally to some of us, but to a certain point, you can learn how to do it, and to do it better. It’s a simple matter of enhancing certain parts of your personality to reach their most attractive potential. And no, I’m not talking about catfishing. It’s as simple as training yourself to be confident, considerate, and ask your date lot of quality questions.
“You should go on as many dates as possible.”
Dating burnout is real. While you can improve on your dating skills, overloading your schedule with an endless stream of first dates will do more harm than good. Think of first dates like a muscle—there’s a reason why newly single people feel “rusty,” but there’s also a reason we can’t work out all day every day to get stronger. Like muscles, our dating brains need time to rest and recover. Think quality over quantity.
“There has to be a ‘spark’ right away.”
Meeting up with someone from Tinder won’t always bring that warm, fuzzy meet-cute feeling. That’s okay. You want to feel some sort of connection, but don’t be deterred by a lack of a cinematic spark. Some of my best flings required pushing through a little awkwardness at first.
At the same time, if you really don’t feel a connection, don’t feel the need to “push through” anything that doesn’t make you at least a little bit excited or interested.
“The man pays the bill.”
Outdated. Heteronormative. Leads to resentment and/or entitlement. Next.
“Opposites attract.”
This can be true, if by “opposites,” you mean “morning person versus night owl,” or “cats over dogs,” or “sweets versus savory.” Those differences are cute, and give you the opportunity for fun banter.
This rule does not cover the difference in politics and ideologies, like, say, “’COVID is a hoax’ versus ‘I believe in science.’”
“Just be yourself!”
Okay, perhaps claiming that it’s a myth one should “just be yourself” is a little harsh. Of course you should be yourself. However, you should be the best version of yourself, at least for the first few dates. If dating is a game, the only rules worth listening to are the ones about putting your best foot forward. Be the best listener you can be, rein in your tendencies to be a whiney complainer, and clean your room better than you usually do.
All I’m saying is that you should make sure you’ve put some effort into the mutual attraction before being all of yourself all of the time. If all goes well, you’ll be bringing your date back to your messy room in no time.
Your garden and potted plants can really benefit from a drip irrigation system. These systems reduce the time you have to spend watering your plants, can help keep fragile plants properly watered on hot days, and keep house plants watered while you go out of town for a long weekend. Many drip irrigation systems can be created with just a few simple tools and materials and can be filled with rainwater, making them simple and affordable. Here’s how you can make one.
Figure out which method you want to use
There are three main kinds of drip irrigation system:
The wick method. This involves filling a container or multiple containers with water and then installing a wick, rope, or string that will use gravity to slowly move water from the container to the soil, keeping your plants hydrated over a period of time. This method can be used in raised beds, for potted plants, or even for individual plants that are right in the ground. You can use any kind of container that will hold water and which allows you to run a string from above the height of the soil into the soil to allow gravity to carry the water. Some people use empty plastic bottles, buckets, or pots.
Buried container method. This simple drip system uses a buried container like a milk jug, a five-gallon bucket, or a barrel with small holes poked in the sides. After poking small holes in your container, bury it next to the roots of the plant or plants you want to water, leaving the opening a little bit above the surface of the soil so you can refill it.
Drip hose systems. The most common drip irrigation system is a gravity-fed drip hose. These can be constructed using a barrel or a five-gallon bucket, some PVC pipe, flexible hose material, a nozzle with a shutoff valve and gaskets, and a nut. To make the transition between the hose and the PVC you will also need an adapter that screws onto your hose and some PVC glue. You’ll also need a drill for this project so you can drill holes in your PVC drip line, and to install your valve if your container doesn’t come with one.
There are also companies that specialize in making drip irrigation systems if you’d like to buy ready-made supplies or get a little inspiration.
Build and instal your drip line
Start building your drip line by sizing it for the area you need to water. If you’re watering a small area with potted plants, you can run a hose as your drip line. If you’re aiming for a wider area, you’ll need to cut your PVC pipe to the right length for your plants. Drill small, ⅛-inch to ¼-inch holes every eight inches or so, depending on how far apart your plants are, then connect your drip line to your container. If your container already has a nozzle, you can just screw your hose end into the nozzle on one end. If not, you’ll need to install your nozzle by drilling a hole the same size as the opening opposite the nozzle, then applying your gaskets, and screwing on the nut on the inside of the container, making sure there are no leaks.
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To attach a PVC pipe for your drip line, glue your adapter on the end of your PVC closest to the container, and then screw it into the hose. It’s important to follow the directions on the PVC glue to get a good seal. Finally, just fill your container and open your valve to get the water flowing.
Does this article’s headline sound a bit, we, unhinged to you? Why would anyone remove their MacBook’s display? Newer MacBooks have great displays, and if you didn’t want a display on your Mac, surely you’d have bought a Mac mini or a Mac Studio, right? But while it might seem silly indeed, removing a MacBook’s display is a practice that’s gaining some traction, and the idea isn’t without merit.
I admit the thought has occurred to me while using my MacBook Pro connected to an external display, with the laptop directly in front of me and the monitor directly behind the laptop. I liked being able to use my MacBook’s trackpad and keyboard on a larger screen, but I had to significantly raise the height of the monitor in order to avoid my MBP’s display blocking any of the larger screen’s real estate. It got me wondering: What if there were no MacBook display in the way? What if I had the same keyboard and trackpad setup in front of me, with a display at a normal height behind that?
It turns out that others have had similar thoughts—and put them into action. The Verge’s Umar Shakir recently wrote of his experience using a “decapitated” MacBook Air, which he dubbed a “slabtop.” He seems to have had a generally good time using his keyboard-trackpad-computer hybrid, connecting it to external displays both with a cable and wirelessly, taking the device along to parties, and using it to play Drawful.
In addition to providing you with a keyboard and trackpad, another fun advantage of this method is sound: Apple’s MacBooks, especially recent iterations, have much better speakers than those you’d find built into something like a Mac mini, meaning the slabtop is an ideal portable setup when you want something that literally sounds better than the competition.
There are other examples in the wild of people who have either removed their MacBook’s display or bought a device that had already been decapitated. Here are some use cases from Twitter:
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Most of the time, removing a MacBook’s display doesn’t affect any of its processes. However, you’ll lose wifi on any MacBook with a wifi card embedded in the hinge of the display—but that design seems limited to MacBook Pros from 2008 through 2010. And since those models sport ethernet jacks, you’ll still have a way to connect to the internet.
But is it worth all the trouble? Removing the display doesn’t exactly enhance your Mac with extra features (and it takes away the one big feature that makes it a laptop). But going the “slabtop” route does give your machine a different vibe: Instead of the same laptop as everybody else, you have a futuristic Mac inside a keyboard and trackpad. You can plug it into a monitor during work hours, wirelessly connect it to a TV from your couch for comfortable computing or streaming, and just generally have something unique from most other Mac users.
A vibe probably isn’t enough of a reason to separate your perfectly-functioning MacBook from its perfectly-functioning display. I mean, you can, but I think the slabtop is better suited to specific contexts. If you break your display, for example, you might consider removing it altogether so you can still use the guts of the computer without paying to get it fixed or buying an external keyboard. If you’re in the market for a desktop, you could pick up a cheap but powerful MacBook with a broken display—the bad screen will drop the price considerably, even if the internals are solid.
How to remove your MacBook’s display
For Shakir, who removed the displays on his personal M1 MacBook Air as well as his cousin’s 2009 15-inch MacBook Pro, creating his slabtop wasn’t much of a problem. However, it helps that he used to be an Apple Store Genius and had already repaired more than 100 displays in his time there.
For the rest of us, exercising caution is important. If you want to go down this route, identify your model of MacBook and look up a reputable tutorial for removing the display. iFixit is my go-to for repair guides, so check to see if they have one for your specific model of MacBook, since the process definitely isn’t the same for all models. If you want to turn your M1 MacBook Air into a slabtop like Shakir did, you can follow the instructions in his article on The Verge.
If you can’t find a guide for your MacBook model or you prefer a video walkthrough, YouTube should be your next stop. Once you’ve found a video that looks like what you need, watch it through multiple times to make sure it seems legit and to get a grasp on the steps involved before you get to work.
When you start a new romantic relationship, there are so many exciting things to look forward to: the honeymoon stage, planning your Instagram debut, learning all about each other, and feeling overwhelmed with happiness and possibility. Some of the fun stuff happens outside the relationship, too—telling your friends all about your new boo is great...until it gets tricky.
In the midst of your inevitable first lovers’ quarrel, you might start waffling over whether to tell your friends your wonderful new relationship has hit a rough patch. What if they’re unforgiving and never welcome your partner back into the fold post-fight? Worse, what if they suss out that the person isn’t actually that great for you before you’re ready to admit it to yourself? Now you are also facing the prospect of a friendship rift, which can drive you further into that potentially un-great relationship, and away from a solid one with your pals.
New data from the dating app Hinge revealed that 84% of Gen Z singles who took part in the survey admit they’re not always totally honest when asking their friends for dating advice, and will even willingly omit important details. Seeking advice from friends always requires walking a fine line—do you really want them to tell you what to do, or do you want them to affirm your own feelings?—but asking for relationship advice can be even more fraught. Here are some things to consider when debating how much to tell them—and how much stock to put in what they say.
Your friends know you better than anyone
One factor in support of consulting with your friends about your romantic triumphs and struggles is that they likely know you better than anyone. They’ve seen you at your best and at your worst, and they know your relationship history.
Melissa Hobley, a dating coach and the chief marketing officer for OkCupid, said she regularly advises newcomers to the dating-app world to enlist their friends in helping them set up their profiles. The perspective of a well-informed observer is super helpful. You might see yourself as studious or basic, but a friend can remind you that you’re a karaoke sensation after one drink, or a wizard with one-liners. They can tell you all the great—and interesting—traits that make you who you are, which will help you figure out which ones to highlight when setting out to attract a mate.
That valuable, intimate-yet-outsider perspective also comes in handy when you need advice, Hobley said. She noted that even in adulthood, some of her best friends are the people she grew up with in Indiana who have been by her side since she was “an awkward 13-year-old.” Longtime friends are more likely to know what kind of partner will complement your personality, how you tend to handle conflict, and whether you have a tendency to make excuses for others’ behavior and stick around in a less-than-ideal relationship. They are scholars of you, and they’ve put in years of research. An opinion from an expert in the field is more valuable than one from somebody who has no grasp of the material, right?
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But figure out which friends are really there for you
That being said, some friends are soldiers ready to go to war for you, and others are the kind of people you go out with on a Friday but wouldn’t necessarily trust with the big stuff. You should be more open to advice from those who’ve demonstrated a commitment to your wellbeing.
Hobley advised you ask yourself a few questions about your friends before you ask them questions about your love life: “Are they supportive? Are they wanting to take you out when you get a promotion? Were they there for you in your lowest point? Are they checking in on the anniversary of your grandparent’s death? Are they supportive in good times and bad? Are they consistent? When they say they’re gonna have brunch, do they show up?”
If the answer to most of these questions is “yes,” you can feel confident these friends truly want to help you live your best life. If you ask them whether you should stay with someone, break up with someone, or marry someone, you can know their answer is based in their beliefs about what would be best for you.
Remember, too, that some friends are only down for a good time. Use your best judgment to determine if a friend is counseling you to break up with a significant other because they want you to be more available to hang out with them, or maybe even because they enjoy the drama.
Friendly advice can be difficult to give—and receive
It’s hard to tell a friend their partner sucks—there’s always the risk you’ll upset and alienate a friend who is not yet ready to see that their significant other is a walking red flag.
According to the Hinge, half of Gen Z singles surveyed admitted they’re not always honest about how they really feel when they give their friends romantic advice. Their reasons vary—54% said they don’t want to hurt their friends’ feelings, and 47% said their friends don’t seem ready for honest feedback. This hesitancy only erodes trust, and it goes both ways: 86% of Gen Z singles have also questioned the advice their friends have given them. Over half said the person they turn to for advice most often isn’t currently in a healthy relationship themselves.
In spite of how hard it can be to give and get honest answers, 80% of the singles surveyed did say they think it’s important to get their friends’ advice on who to date. Friendly feedback is part of the whole “friend” deal, from the moment you first show them a picture of the cutie you matched with on an app to the day you tell them you’re scared it’s not working out.
Speaking in a press release, Hinge’s director of relationship science, Logan Ury, advised caution. “You’re the one in the relationship, not your friends,” Ury wrote. “It’s critical you learn how to tune into your own feelings and needs and figure out how you feel about someone.”
Balancing your own self-awareness with the natural—and helpful—inclination to crowdsource opinions from the group chat is delicate, but it can be done. Over time, your friends have hopefully helped you figure out who you are, even when they weren’t explicitly offering you advice. Use that knowledge of self to judge the guidance they give you about your relationship, take it into consideration, then make your own decision.
Though the internet’s wisdom on the dangers of using antiperspirant are overblown (you don’t actually need to worry if yours contains aluminum), you may nevertheless have pondered whether you should go the more natural route when dealing with your body odor. Deodorants mask odor without inhibiting your body’s production of sweat (which is what an antiperspirant does), and there are a whole bunch of brands promising to do so more “naturally,” from Tom’s of Maine ($4.89), to Native ($12.99), to Schmidt’s ($9.19), to Lume ($16.99). The problem is, with the exception of Tom’s (which leaves underarms feeling wet all day), they’re often rather expensive. (Thirty dollars for this Routine deodorant gets you an amount that looks comparable to what you’d find in a container of silly putty.)
But there is another way to have “naturally” less odiferous pits—making your own deodorant. While it may sound ineffective or inordinately time-consuming at first, DIY homemade deodorant is a good way to avoid using those ingredients you’d rather not spread onto your skin, and keep a few extra bills in your pocket.
Why would you make your own deodorant?
While the fears around the toxicity of aluminum in deodorant have been discredited (there is no conclusive evidence linking aluminum to Alzheimer’s or breast cancer), you may want to avoid antiperspirants for other reasons. Their fragrances can cause itchiness, allergic rashes, or aggravate asthma; according to the David Suzuki Foundation, the antioxidant BHT (listed as an ingredient in the Dove 0% aluminum stick I’m currently using) can also induce allergic reactions in the skin.
Deodorants also may contain phthalates and triclosan, which, according to the National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences, are endocrine disruptors “linked with developmental, reproductive, brain, immune, and other problems.” The NIH acknowledges, “limited scientific information exists on potential health problems in humans,” as people are typically exposed to multiple endocrine disruptors simultaneously, and assessing the effects of a single disruptor is difficult. But according to the Endocrine Society, endocrine-disrupting chemicals “have been linked to numerous adverse human health outcomes including...sperm quality and fertility, abnormalities in sex organs, endometriosis, early puberty, altered nervous system function, immune function, certain cancers...” The list goes on.
Whether you’re concerned about traditional ingredients or not, there is still the fact that making your own will save you money and produce less plastic waste. In my experience, homemade deodorants actually do work, too—though they might take some getting used to if you previously tended to favor antiperspirants that stopped you from sweating altogether.
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How to make your own deodorant
A quick Google search will yield hundreds of simple recipes, most of which revolve around three to four main ingredients: Corn starch or arrowroot powder (for moisture absorbency), baking soda (for absorbency and odor-reduction), coconut oil (for its anti-bacterial properties), and essentials oils (so it smells nice).
You can experiment with various bases (such as shea butter, cocoa butter, and coconut oil), powders (corn starch, arrowroot, baking soda), and essential oils to achieve the desired consistency and scent.
A basic recipe for deodorant
6 Tablespoons coconut oil
4 Tablespoons baking soda
4 Tablespoons corn starch
5-10 drops Essential oil (optional)
Combine powders, mash in coconut oil with a fork. Mix to desired consistency, adding more powder as necessary. Add essential oil if desired. While this can be applied with your fingers, put it in an empty deodorant stick for easy application. Note: You’ll need to keep your homemade deodorant in a cool place, as the ingredients may melt in warmer temperatures.
When you’re on a road trip, you have tons of options for places to stop to find a bathroom and a candy bar. There are those little brick buildings offering little more than a restroom and a few vending machines; a string of cookie-cutter, state-operated plazas with a Sbarro and a 7-11; and ordinary gas stations surrounded by fast food places. And then there is a lesser-known option that blows all of those out of the water: the truck stop.
Why truck stops are the best
A truck stop is not unlike a gas station with an attached convenience store, but a truck stop offers more of everything. Food, for example: a small gas station will have chips and candy and maybe some prepackaged sandwiches. A good convenience store, like a Sheetz, will have hot dogs and made-to-order sandwiches. But a good truck stop will have all of this and a diner where you can sit down and eat a real meal.
The store area is even better: instead of a few shelves of absolute necessities (tampons, phone chargers) you’ll often be able to buy things like blankets, toys, books, clothes (souvenir T-shirts but also maybe a basic pack of underwear), and more. If there’s an item you need while you’re traveling but you don’t want to leave the highway to find it, you’ll probably be able to get it at a truck stop—maybe it will be a bit overpriced, but it’ll be there. And if you’re bored and just want to browse through truck supplies and silly souvenirs, you’ll find plenty of that stuff too.
Truck stops often have showers you can use for a fee, they are open 24/7, and their bathrooms tend to be a lot cleaner than the ones at the random gas station down the road. Amenities vary; some even have dog parks.
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How to find a truck stop
Because I’ve heard this question before: No, you don’t have to be a trucker to stop at a truck stop. There may be separate entrances for trucks and cars, just like state-run rest stops, but all are welcome.
If your road trips have always been along the same few highways, you might not be aware of how many options you have. In Pennsylvania, for example, the turnpike (I-76) in the one with the plazas with the mini food courts, but I-80 is where you’ll find all of the truck stops. If you only drive one of these roads, you wouldn’t know about your options on the other.
The easiest way to find a truck stop is to become familiar with the chains most prevalent in the areas you’re driving through. Pilot, Flying J, and Love’s are the big ones. (Here’s a location map for Pilot and Flying J, which are now owned by the same company; here’s one for Love’s.) And for a more comprehensive search, the app Trucker Path includes these and other brands in their truck stop locator.
If you’ve ever played a video game online, you’ve probably heard of Discord, the free voice, video, and text chat platform that many gamers use to talk. The platform is divided into separate servers with their own members, rules, topics, and channels, but one underused feature is the ability to create and code unique AI-powered bots.
What are Discord bots?
Discord bots are AI-powered tools that automate tasks and add music, games, welcome messages, memes, and other interesting content to your server. These bots make it easy for you to engage with an audience, build your community, and moderate your server.
There’s a whole army of bots to choose from, each of which serves specific purposes—one may automatically welcome new users, while others use webhooks to integrate with other applications—and it can be overwhelming for new users to figure out which ones will deliver the best results for their needs.
Thankfully, there’s a ton of information online to help you understand the value Discord bots can provide for your server.
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The best Discord bots (and their uses)
Unless you join dozens of Discord servers, you may not have encountered the bots you want to include on yours. Below are some of the best Discord bots out there, plus a bit on what purpose they serve.
Some Discord users believe MEE6 should be included on every Discord server, and it’s certainly popular—more than 16 million people use it. MEE6 can scan chats for violations, play music, and assign participation levels to users. It can be set to mute, boot, or permanently ban users if they commit a certain number of violations in a specified period. MEE6 also works with YouTube and Twitch.
Not to be confused with Taco Bell’s Taco Bot, TacoBot is a project management bot that integrates Trello into Discord. It can automatically post updates from your Trello board into Discord so users can view them directly, and it’s a great way to keep team members or other users up to date without them having to stay logged into Trello.
EasyPoll offers a straightforward and customizable way for server owners to set up polls and allow users to vote. Users vote using reaction emotes, which adds to the fun.
If you’re one of the millions of meme-lovers on Discord, Dank Memer is a great bot to include on your server. It automatically posts memes from Reddit to your chosen channels. Dank Memer also has a currency functionality, bills itself as “Discord’s largest fun economic bot.”
Hydra is a Discord bot that allows you to play music from various platforms, like Spotify, Bandcamp, YouTube, Soundcloud, and Deezer. You can look up song information and lyrics and choose from settings such as loop, move, replay, skip, and shuffle.
The Epic RPG Discord bot allows users to engage in various role-playing games. They can hunt monsters, buy and sell goods, upgrade their armors, and level up using text commands.
This bot forced users to verify their accounts. People who join a server with a Captcha bot will be redirected to Captcha.bot’s website, where they will have to log into Discord again and pass a captcha test to verify they’re human. It’s a good way to cut down on spam on your server.
How to code a Discord bot
You may want to include a Discord bot that serves a specific purpose but can’t find one that fits your needs. Luckily, if you have programming know-how, you can code your own bots that can do anything you want.
There are several Github threads that will instruct you on how to get started making your own bots and troubleshoot issues. People with advanced programming skills will find many online tutorials to take them through the bot-creation process. It usually takes around 30 minutes to build one, but the time and effort required will vary depending on your coding skills.
If you’re like a lot of folks, it’s probably been a minute since you needed your grown-up wardrobe. Many of us have been working remotely for the last few ... years? Has it really been years? Holy moly. You might break out the dress shirts for a Zoom call, but otherwise, we’re living in a permanent Causal Friday, which gives moths a chance to get at all those slacks or dresses in the closet.
There are two species of moth that love to devour your natural-fiber clothes, and once they get into your house they will silently—and often invisibly—begin to literally eat your clothes like something out of a horror movie. Clothes moths love dark, undisturbed places, so the less you wear and wash your clothes, the better it is for them. Here’s what you can do if you discover that a civilization of clothes moths have been thriving in your closets.
Detecting moths
First, how do you know if you’re dealing with clothing moths? There are three tell-tale signs:
You open your closet or a drawer and moths fly out. This is not a joke, and it makes it kind of obvious.
Your clothes start to develop mysterious holes, ranging from the size of a pinhead to the size of increasingly large coins. These are made by the moth larvae, who chew their way through your clothes until they’re ready to spread their wings and fly out at you when you finally open your closet door.
There’s a layer of “dust” on the bottom of your drawers or closet floors that resembles salt and pepper—this is the remnants of the pupae or “cases” where the larvae hatch, as well as the remains of dead moths.
Most people first realize they have moths when those mysterious holes appear in their favorite sweaters. Moths like natural fibers, so it’s not unusual to have a closet or drawer where half the clothes have been devoured and the other half left untouched. One thing is for sure: Once you have moths, any natural-fiber item of clothing you place in that closet or drawer will be destroyed pretty quickly. You have to get rid of those moths or commit to the rayon and nylon lifestyle.
Death to moths
While many moth species are in decline, clothing moth populations are definitely increasing. If you opened a closet and an army of tiny, cream-colored insects flew out, you don’t need to feel bad about moving to DEFCON 1 and eradicating the enemy. Here’s how to do it:
First, treat the clothes. Pull everything out of your closet or drawers and inspect each item. You’ll be amazed how many holes you’ll find. Repairing moth holes ispossible, but not easy, and it will be very difficult to make your expensive clothes look like new. You’ll need to decide if moth-damaged clothing is worth salvaging or if it should just be tossed.
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Don’t assume that just because you don’t see any moth holes an article of clothing is safe—it may very well be host to moth eggs or larvae. You’ll need to ensure those little buggers are gone before you return the clothes to your closets:
If the clothing is machine-washable and dryable, wash it in hot water. The water has to be hot, over 120 degrees, so you might consider temporarily turning up your water heater. Put them in the dryer, but again, it has to be at least 120 degrees in there. If you’re not sure about this, try another option.
The key here is the temperature extreme. If you can’t wash your clothes and/or your dryer doesn’t bring enough heat, you can place your clothes in the oven at 125 degrees for half an hour, or put them in plastic bags and stick them in the freezer for 24 hours (or longer if you want to be extra certain). Note: If your clothing has plastic buttons, beading, or other notions you shouldn’t bake ‘em, as they might melt or deform.
Alternatively (but much, much more expensively), dry-cleaning will definitely do the trick.
As clothes are treated, sequester them. It’s not a bad idea to pack them in sealable plastic garment bags to make sure no enterprising moth gets in there after you’ve baked their family members to death.
Second, treat your storage. Your closets and drawers are gonna need a deep cleaning. If you haven’t already, move everything out of the area. Moth eggs get into the cracks and seams of drawers, floors, and walls. Vacuum the heck out of all of them, getting into every seam you can manage. Then wipe everything down using whatever household cleaner you would normally employ.
For best results, you should use an insecticide to make sure any eggs or larvae you missed (these suckers are small) are killed, and to ensure future moth invaders don’t get a fresh toehold. Look for insecticides made with pyrethrum or a related compound, which are typically available in dust form (Delta Dust is a popular choice). These insecticides are specific to flying insects like moths. Be careful: These dusts are dusty and if you just start blasting them into your corners and crevices you will wind up with a cloud of death in your house. Instead of splashing dust around like a maniac, put a small amount into a container and use an old paintbrush to gingerly encourage it into cracks and seams—and be careful to clean up spills f you have pets or children who might get near it.
Finally, add some deterrents. Now that your closets are (presumably) moth-free, take some steps to keep them that way. Avoid old-school mothballs—they do work, but unlike Delta Dust they freely pump fumes into your home that are just as bad for you (and your pets) as they are for the moths, and they can also damage plastic, putting your garment bags and other closet items at risk.
Old-fashioned cedar will help. Moths are repelled by the smell of cedar and other essential oils, so placing some cedar planks or sachets in your closets and drawers will at least increase your chances of avoiding a second invasion. Just keep in mind that cedar fades over time—you’ll need to sand your cedar blocks once in a while to release a fresh scent, and give your sachets a good massage from time to time. It’s also a good idea to open up your closets and drawers and move your clothes around. Moths hate light and movement, so this will discourage them if they return, and you’ll spot damage much earlier, letting you get a jump on a second wave of remediation.
Finally, place some pheromone traps in your closets. Trapping adult moths doesn’t do anything to stop an infestation (there will always be more eggs in there), but the traps will act as a warning system: If you cleaned everything out and two weeks later you’re seeing adult moths, you didn’t do a good enough job, and your clothes are once again an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Clothing moths can do a lot of damage, both financially and mentally—but you can minimize both by being proactive. Or try to convince people that tiny holes all over your clothes are the new hotness, your choice.
Citrus season is winding down, and I am bummed about it. I have been gorging on Sumo citrus for weeks now, trying to cram as much vibrant, tangy sweetness into my mouth as possible until the bumpy fruits disappear for the year.
In an attempt to prolong the joy Sumos bring me, I’ve even been saving their peels. They may not be juicy and sweet, but they still have a ton of flavor hanging out in their cellular walls, waiting to be extracted—and you can do that with a little sugar. Sugar pulls the oils out of the peel, and said oil in turn dissolves the sugar, creating a syrup fancy bartender types call “oleo saccharum.” You can measure everything out—which we discussed here—but you can also just chuck it all in a jar, shake, and strain when you remember.
I prefer the latter method, obviously.
Gather your peels and remove them from the pith (the white part on the inside) with a y-peeler (or cheese slicer) as much as possible. The pith can give your syrup a bitter flavor, so try to avoid including thick swaths of it.
You can make a little syrup or a lot of syrup, depending on how many peels you have. If you want to make a lot of syrup, stash your peels in the freezer until you have whatever amount you deem to be “enough.” A couple of citrus fruits will give you a couple of tablespoons of syrup, depending on how much zest they have to offer.
In any case, all you have to do is toss your peels into a jar and add a spoonful of sugar. Shake the jar to rough up the peels and coat them with sugar; you want each strip to sparkle with sucrose, with a little excess at the bottom of the jar. If your peels are not fully coated, add more sugar and shake the jar again.
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Let the jar sit for several hours—or all night—gently shaking it a couple of times as you remember to do so. The longer your extraction time, the more likely you are to extract bitter flavors, though I left a jar of lemon peels extracting for several days and it tastes just fine.
Strain the peels out of your syrup, then use the fragrant, sweet, and slightly floral liquid to sweeten cocktails, tea, or plain seltzer. You can also drizzle it on desserts and baked goods like cake, ice cream, or pancakes.
You probably use your computer copy and paste some text, a link, or an image from one place to another dozens of times a day. You probably don’t even think about it. That is, until something goes wrong, or you’re working on something that requires you to do it over and over and over.
If you ever need to copy multiple things from one place to another or have a habit of misplacing the link you copied thirty minutes ago but forgot to paste, you need a clipboard manager. A clipboard manager is a tool that runs in the background of whatever programs you’re using and keeps a record of all the things you have copied recently (though it automatically ignores private and secure data like passwords).
If you misplace a link, you can find it in your clipboard manager and quickly copy it again. Once you have multiple entries in the clipboard, you can perform other useful functions, like combining them together or creating templates based on other clipboard entries. You can even sync clipboards between platforms.
Depending on how complex your needs are, you can use a straightforward clipboard manager, or one that offers additional options.
Windows offers a built-in clipboard history
Left: Windows 11 Clipboard History | Right: Ditto Clipboard ManagerScreenshot: Khamosh Pathak
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Windows 10 and 11 come with their own basic clipboard history tool; though it looks better on Windows 11, both work the same. Enable the feature from Settings > System > Clipboard > Clipboard History. Then, use the Windows + V keyboard shortcut to bring up a floating panel where you’ll see a list of text that you have recently copied to the clipboard.
You can click on an entry to paste it into the text, and the Pin button to pin that entry to the top. But that’s it—there is no way to merge entries, and no template or automation support.
The best clipboard managers for Windows
The Windows clipboard history tool is nice to have. But it’s no clipboard manager. For that, you’ll need to use a third-party tool. And there’s no shortage of options.
Ditto: Ditto is a lightweight, free, and open-source clipboard manager. The last bit is important, because a clipboard manager is going to see everything you copy, so it needs to be secure. Clicking on the Ditto icon will open a list of all your recent clipboard entries. Double-click an entry to copy it to the clipboard. You can configure how many entries it will store, and for how long, and use the Groups feature to merge multiple clipboard entries together.
1Clipboard: This is another great option for a free, universal app built on open source tech. It works on both Windows and Mac and can sync securely sync your clipboard’s contents between platforms using Google Drive. While it’s great for that purpose, it doesn’t do much else—no grouping or automation options here.
ClipClip: If you’re looking for a power-user option, ClipClip is it. Once you’ve copied items to the clipboard, you can use this app to group, save, organize, and merge entires. There’s a great search feature, drag and drop capabilitie, and cloud sync as well.
The best clipboard managers for Mac
Mac doesn’t have offer a built-in clipboard manager, but it has arguably the best-designed third-party options. Here are a few to consider.
Paste: Paste is a visual clipboard manager for the Mac. It pops up from the bottom of the screen, and has a color-coded design. You can pin often-used entries, and group multiple entries together. The app is free to use for two weeks, and then requires a $14.99/year subscription.
CopyClip: Want a free, simple clipboard manager? CopyClip is as basic as it gets. It sits in the menu bar, and its drop-down menu shows you a list of all your recent clipboard entries.
Maccy: Maccy is a lightweight, keyboard-based clipboard manager—think of it as Spotlight, but for clipboard management. Open it up with a keyboard shortcut, search through the clipboard for the text you need, and press enter to instantly paste the text. The app is open-source, too, so security experts can verify it’s not doing something shady behind the scenes. It costs $9.99, but the productivity boost is worth the price.
Adding walkways to your garden can make it more inviting and cut down on your weeding and mowing. Paying someone to install pavers isn’t cheap, but there are ways to DIY beautiful, low maintenance garden paths that won’t require you to rent heavy equipment or break your budget. Here are some ideas to get you started.
Gather your tools and materials
All you will need to get started are a shovel, a rake, the material you’ll use to make the path, some edging material, and landscaping cloth and stakes. A 2x4 or a similar piece of scrap lumber and a light sledge or heavy hammer will also help. Once you have decided on where you want your paths to go, you can use these tools to accomplish most of the job in a single day.
How to figure out how much material you’ll need
To plan out the shape of your walkway, use string, a hose, or rope to map out on the ground. This will help you visualize the length, width, and placement of your path before you start doing and digging. Once you’ve accomplished this step, you can use this free calculator to determine how much mulch or gravel you’ll need to complete the job.
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3 straightforward DIY garden paths
Mulch and cedar pathway: A mulch pathway is a good option because it’s cost effective and won’t impact the surrounding soil too much. To create a mulch path edged with 12-inch cedar shingles, you’ll need enough mulch to cover the area of your path and a length of landscaping fabric long enough to cover the area, and some cedar shingles. Cedar is a great choice to edge a path because it is naturally pest resistant and will hold up well against moisture. To define your path, use that scrap of wood and your small sledge to drive the shingles vertically into the edges. Next, lay down your landscaping fabric and stake it down. Finally, cover the pathway with mulch.
Salvaged brick and gravel pathway: Another simple, cheap walkway—especially for high-moisture area that would benefit from additional drainage—is to use salvaged brick and gravel. For this project, you’ll need some landscaping cloth, enough bricks to define your path’s edges, and enough gravel to fill the space between. Lay your landscaping fabric down, then set the bricks along the edge to create a simple border. (The cloth will help to contain the gravel and discourage weed growth.) Next, spread your gravel evenly between your two rows of bricks.
Stepping stones with a natural border: To create a path with a more whimsical look, use stepping stones or rounds cut from tree branches in place of edging and fill in the space between with gravel or mulch. You can allow the edge of your path to be organically defined by the shape of the ground. Lay down your landscaping fabric first and stake it down. Set out your stepping stones along the predefined edges of your path, then add the gravel or mulch around the stones.
Use upcycled materials for edging
Another way to create a defined edge for your path while keeping your budget in check is to use upcycled materials. Upturned glass bottles, broken china, or terra cotta pots are all viable options, but whatever border material you choose will work best if you place landscaping fabric beneath the pathway to keep weeds from peeking through.
Whether or not you give much thought to the colors you put on in the morning, you’re probably aware of some of the cultural meanings that comes with certain hues of clothes. For example, in many Western cultures, wearing black has traditionally been a sign that a person is in mourning (or at least attending a funeral, wake, or memorial service). Meanwhile, red is considered a “power color,” and wearing it is supposed to send the message to yourself, as well as others, that you’re someone to be taken seriously.
Another more recent example of the application of color psychology is the concept of “dopamine dressing.” This time, the idea is to use color, texture, and style to boost your mood.
What is dopamine?
In case you need a quick refresher, dopamine is known as one of the so-called “happy hormones” (along with serotonin) that strongly influences your mood, motivation, and ability to focus.
Generally speaking, when our dopamine levels are on the higher end of the spectrum, we tend to feel good (or at least decent), and more motivated to take on the day. Lower dopamine levels, on the other hand, can leave us feeling depressed, hopeless, and lacking the drive needed to perform even simple daily tasks.
What is dopamine dressing?
There’s a good chance you’re already familiar with some of the recommendations for boosting your dopamine levels naturally, like getting enough restful sleep, moving your body, and listening to your favorite music. Now you can add your clothing to that list.
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Essentially, dopamine dressing is wearing clothing based on which colors, textures, and styles make us feel good. And there’s no rule saying that it means dressing in heavily patterned, brightly colored clothing every day.
That’s because while some people do feel their mood improve when they throw on their favorite electric-blue sweater or neon-yellow socks, this would make others feel uncomfortable, cartoonish, and unlike themselves. Instead, they may feel the happiest and most authentic in a combination of black, tan, and other neutrals, for example.
And that’s one of the tricky parts about dopamine dressing: We may second-guess or dismiss the way we feel about certain colors or styles because of widespread cultural perceptions about it. But, in this case, it’s all about how we feel wearing a color—not how society tells us it should make us feel (e.g. that black makes us feel sad), or the message that the color supposedly sends to others.
Even if you’re a peaceful person, you could get hit. And if you’ve never had self-defense training, experience with fighting, or even a fleeting thought about what you’d do in that moment, you can find yourself on your ass with no clue what to do next—and that could be an opportunity for your attacker to punch you more.
It could be unlikely you’ll ever need to think about this (and we hope it’s unlikely, at least) but it’s worth having a plan in case you ever need it. Here’s how to take a hit.
Protect your head from more than the initial hit
When you get hit, there are actually two impacts that can do you harm: the initial punch is one, but the secondary impact comes when your body collides with the ground. You might not get knocked off your feet, but if you do, you should keep your chin tucked as you fall so that secondary impact doesn’t occur on the back of your head.
“The risk of falling to the ground and not tucking the chin down well as you’re falling is basically getting whiplash or worse, getting hit in the brainstem and just getting a knockout just from that,” said Tsahi Shemesh, founder and chief instructor at New York City’s Krav Maga Experts.
As you fall, make sure your head is as far from the assailant as possible and always keep your legs between the other person and your head. Your legs, Shemesh said, are your weapons. More on that later.
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Go down, if you must
This might seem counterintuitive, but it’s better for you to be knocked to the ground right away if you have no fighting experience, so don’t try to fight it.
“If you feel dizzy, if you feel like you’re lightheaded and maybe can’t really fight well from there, then in an odd way, the safest place for you would be on the ground until you get your head straight,” Shamesh said. “But having that said, you have to know what you’re doing while you go on the ground.”
Adrenaline will be pumping and the situation will evolve fast, but stay as aware and strategic as you can. Assess the other person. Why did they attack you? You might know or you might not, but you have to make a few snap judgements here, especially if you get the feeling they’re not a one-and-done kind of puncher. Shamesh said it’s important to identify if you have the ability to run away or you have to respond immediately, either with a defense or a counterattack. The situation, he said, “depends on how crazy the attacker is.”
Charles Montoya, owner of Hard Knocks Boxing in White Plains, NY, added that you need to determine if your attacker is a bully who punched you unfairly or is someone who feels justified, say, because you got lippy with them. If the person is a bully, there’s a better chance they’ll keep attacking you. He pointed out that fighting is psychological, not just physical, and there is an element of respect at play. If the person felt justified in hitting you, they might think one punch taught you a lesson. If they’re bullying you, he said, you’ll have to earn their respect by showing you’re not going to tolerate it.
“Try to remain calm and create distance,” he said. If you didn’t get knocked down and you’re still standing, crouch into a squatting position and wait for your vision to clear up as you back away slightly. Whether you’re on the ground or upright, having distance between yourself and the attacker while you regain your thoughts and vision is key.
If you choose to run away, make your move
There’s no shame in not fighting back. If, during your brief assessment, you come to the conclusion the other person just wanted to punch you once, you don’t have to escalate the situation. You should try to avoid further violence, as a general rule, but especially if you’re not equipped to brawl.
Keeping your head far from the attacker and your limbs between the two of you, you can simply leave (if that feels like an option). Always maintain eye contact with the other person. You do not need a second surprise attack. Your body language should reflect that you’re not down to spar, so keep your hands by your face for protection, but make sure they’re open and not balled up—making fists only signals you’re ready to fight. Use your voice, too. Be aggressive and assertive, say you do not want to do this, and make, in Shamesh’s words, an “honorable escape.” By keeping your hands open and indicating you’re not looking to retaliate, you also give the other person the chance to make an honorable escape. If they don’t take that avenue and you can’t get away, though, you have to have a Plan B.
If you choose to fight back, be strategic
If diplomacy fails, it’s time to engage. If the other person is advancing on you while you’re still on the ground, kick them. Shamesh said you should aim for the knee or the groin and kick hard. While they’re backing up, get off the ground.
“Your level of crazy at this point has to match theirs,” he said. From there, your strikes have to be very precise. Focus on their face and their groin. Those are the two targets you need to keep in mind. Protect your face and head—and your own groin, to the extent you can without compromising the defense of your head—and aim for those two locations.
Montoya added that your physical attributes must be taken into account here, too. If you’re much shorter than the other person, you shouldn’t be going for their face nonstop. Stay low, weave around, and avoid straight punches and round hooks while aiming for the other person’s chin, he said. His advice here was to “be patient.”
“You got all this crazy, nervous energy going on. It’s very, very natural, but despite that, be very, very patient and look for opportunities,” he said.
For this part, Shamesh recommended thinking about a cat in a bathtub. The cat is smaller than a person and weaker than a person, too, but when you’ve attempted to bathe a cat, have you ever actually caught it? No, said Shamesh, “because it is not willing to be caught.” You must be unwilling to be caught, too, so keep going for their face and their groin as you protect yourself. Move around, don’t be an easy target for them, and get your strikes in when you can. Use your legs.
“Size matters, but if you’re not willing to give up, you’re not going to lose, at least not that easily,” said Shamesh.
During all of this, you must also always be looking for your honorable escape. Hopefully, at this point, someone else has appeared and you’re not alone, but whether they act as a distraction, a witness, or a backup fighter—or never materialize at all—your goal should be getting out of there, not trying to beat the other person up.
Get to a doctor
Some people fight a lot and they know what to expect and what their bodies can handle. You might not. Once you get away from the situation, go to a doctor. Shamesh pointed out you could have a concussion, which you might be clued into if you feel lightheaded or vomit. Even if you don’t have those symptoms, just go.
As for aftercare, elevate the punched area and ice it. Finally, consider a self-defense class—preferably before you get punched at all.
I was recently on a flight home from visiting some family, and the guy sitting in the aisle seat a few rows up from me refused to let anyone past him. He dozed in his seat and slumped into the aisle, preventing the drinks cart from moving through, and the flight attendants had to physically shove him upright to get by. When the two poor souls trapped in the middle and window seats needed to use the restroom, he simply ignored them until they were forced to literally climb over him. Which, to be fair, he took pretty well.
I expected fisticuffs, but the couple sitting next to him were heroes who soldiered on—though I wouldn’t have blamed them if they’d gone buckwild on Aisle Guy. From the minute you arrive at the airport, you can be surrounded by assholes, but there’s something uniquely awful about being trapped in a vessel with them at 30,000 feet.
But when you’re trapped on a five-hour flight with someone who methodically eats one chip every three minutes in order to keep their mask off, it’s not the time to try and get justice. It’s time to get into survival mode. So what should you do—or not do—when someone is a jerk on your flight?
Stay calm—and sober
Keep in mind we are all put upon by the airlines and some people will act jerkier than others because of this stress. Plane seats are getting smaller and more tightly packed—but the airlines are pitting us against each other in many ways. They sell us both the space in front of you—our ever-shrinking legroom—and the space behind you—where you recline. In other words, the airline is selling the same space twice and laughing all the way to the bank while we seethe and practice our microaggressions.
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First of all, you have to acknowledge the uncomfortable fact that you have very little power. The “rules” about what’s allowed or not allowed on a flight are pretty vague when it comes to personal space and behavior, which is to say they don’t really exist. Technically, the other passengers paid a lot of money, just like you, and have the right to do what they want, just like you. They can recline seats, take over arm rests, talk loudly, and even take off their shoes and stick their feet through the gap in the seats in front of them. Only jerks do these things, but you’ll be hard-pressed to get any sort of official punishment or enforcement from the flight crew. And while lashing out in petty ways, like kicking an overly-reclined seat or pouring water on that bare foot, might feel good, it will also raise the temperature and invite escalation in a confined space where disruption is a very bad idea. Unless you want to wind up in a viral YouTube video, you’ll need to take a breath.
Other flight scenarios where you have no power include:
Unruly children. You are never allowed to discipline someone else’s child, no matter how horrible they are.
Rude flight crew. If your flight attendant or another member of the flight crew is a jerk, remind yourself that on the plane they are pretty much all-powerful, so just swallow your outrage.
Admitting to yourself that you have no power is very freeing, because it removes that sense of responsibility. You should probably also skip the cocktails. While a nip of booze might be calming and can make a miserable flight a little more fun, it also shortens tempers and clouds judgment. You’ll have a much better chance of a positive outcome when dealing with rude folks if you’re sober.
Try negotiation
Next, take a step back from your irritation and remember that your rude seatmate might not realize what they’re doing. When you’re exhausted and cramped it’s easy to get angry and jump to conclusions, but reacting immediately with anger is a mistake.
Instead, take a breath and inform the person of your discomfort and ask—politely—that they change their behavior. Very often the person infringing on your sanity is also tired and cramped and simply isn’t thinking. A reminder that they’re part of society coupled with a simple ask will actually often get the results you want without any of the ugliness or drama.
If they push back—for example, if they argue that their seat reclines and therefore they have every right to recline it until they can see up your nostrils—try to negotiate. Suggest a compromise; even grudging agreement is better than spending the rest of the flight finding excuses to shove the seat in front of you.
If calm and compromise don’t work, you have two choices: Grit your teeth and get through the flight, or involve the flight attendants. The latter may get some immediate results, but will definitely increase bad feelings. Often, folks comply until the flight attendant walks away, and then flagrantly go back to their bad behavior—now with extra attitude. Involving the flight crew should only be an option if the other person’s behavior crosses from rude and annoying to affecting your health or safety.
Avoid gadgets
Modern problems require modern solutions, and there’s a whole passive-aggressive industry of gadgets designed to fight back against rude passengers. The most famous is probably the Knee Defender, which attaches to your tray table in order to make it impossible for the seat in front of you to recline. For folks who dread confrontation but also dread seeing their cramped legroom get even more cramped, gadgets like this seem like the perfect solution.
Except they are a terrible idea and you should not use things like this. First of all, every single major airline bans its use, and the flight crew will confiscate yours if they see it. Second of all, you don’t actually own the space in front of you, so the person in front of you will be entirely justified in being angry about it. In other words, the moment you use a gadget like the Knee Defender, you are the jerk in that situation.
Poorly-socialized, narcissistic people who think their coach fare entitles them to prioritize their own comfort and sense of entitlement are always out there, waiting to ruin your flight. The best way to deal with them is to find inner peace any way you can, because your actual options are as limited as your legroom.
